When the butterflies fade

modern love in a swipe-right world

The modern world of love seems to crush the spirit of the classic idealist. The old soul who once cherished love letters and soft ballads now scrolls through a stream of unabashed "U up?" texts. After all, reading Jane Austen novels and strategically placing rose quartz around your room won’t summon romance into existence.

As a self-proclaimed romantic, I often think about what love looks like now and I easily become jaded. It's hard to believe that the times of spontaneous slow dancing in a dimly lit street are simply fictitious. I often find myself wondering if the ideal of true love really exists. In a society where we all have a window into each other's lives–through the lens of social media and news headlines featuring illicit affairs and brutal breakups–it is easy to feel discouraged about the concept of love.

When I’ve vented about my frustrations, I’ve been half-heartedly assured that love will find me the second I’m not looking (but are we ever, really, genuinely not looking?) It can feel like waiting for something that will never come, like The One is just a well-written character rather than a reality.

I only romanticize relationships at very specific times–Sunday nights, 3AM after going out when I’m still slightly buzzed, and in waves throughout December, January, and February. The rest of the time, the thought of compromising my identity for another person—turning from a me into a we—is as horrifying as it is appealing on those lonely, cold January nights.

I think about the version of myself who once wanted love so badly. She curated Pinterest boards of wedding dresses, imagined the perfect engagement ring, and daydreamed about a future she hadn’t yet lived. She was naive and hopeful—something I’d love to be again but am too afraid to let myself become.

After all, right now, love is juvenile. It’s invitations to sorority formals, saving seats at football games, and playful teasing from friends. “Love” is a word left unsaid, tangled in careful calculations. Does she come off as obsessed? Does he come off as detached? They are both haunted by meticulousness, playing parts they don’t belong in. The exhaustion of it is lethal—constantly second-guessing, trying to read the subtext of every glance, every text, every pause.

Once we find what we define as love, how do we make it last? In a world built on instant gratification, the patience love requires often feels impossible. The thrill of infatuation is effortless—the flushed cheeks, the 2AM conversations, sending songs that remind you of each other. But lasting love is different. It requires communication, vulnerability, independence. It demands effort, even when the butterflies fade.

And they will fade. That’s one of the greatest misconceptions about love—the idea that once the thrill of the “falling” subsides, something must be wrong. But boring is not bad. Comfort, familiarity, the kind of love that is steady rather than explosive—this is what people don’t talk about. Because, no, you don’t want the screaming-at-each-other-in-the-rain-love.

hint: the notebook is NOT the blueprint

It is easy to make a list of what love is not. Love is not lying. Love is not faithless. Love is not mean. Yet, we are constantly reminded of love’s failures—divorces caused by miscommunication, infidelity, addiction, financial strain. We see statistics that make lasting love feel impossible. We watch celebrity breakups unfold like cautionary tales, and suddenly, love seems like a losing game.

In the ever-modernizing world of today, marriage is seen as less of a necessity. Individual lives take precedence, and for many, the image of a quiet apartment, a good book, and a cat curled up at the foot of the bed is more appealing than the domestic life of a white picket fence and suburban minivan. The idea of forever feels more abstract than ever before.

Love is not always a grand declaration or a cinematic moment. It isn’t always running through the airport or dancing in the rain. Love might be a lingering hug from a friend, someone telling you they trust you, or your grandmother’s cookies left on the counter just because she thought of you. Love does not always arrive in the way we expect, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

An idealist in dire pursuit of a When-Harry-Met-Sally-love will easily say that love exists. Because it has to (because otherwise, what's the point?) Love is true and real, though it may not show itself in the way we have always assumed. It is everything when you are looking and nowhere when you aren't. Though true love may not always be found in a traditional marriage, it can be found in simple endeavors. It cannot be navigated by a "how-to" guide. It is too complex for that.

But when it finds you, in whatever form it takes, I hope you let it in.

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