I love this. It also made me realize that even in a current (very new) committed relationship I still find myself watching my words. I'm performing. Instead of just being myself and offering the sort of love I want to (the sort of love that makes ME feel alive) I try to create a perfect version of something.
For what? To receive back something. Validation. Attention. Praise. Safety? I can't give too much of myself because if I do, I risk rejection, and that would hurt. But pretending to be casual hurts in a different way. I never actually feel loved because what I'm presenting isn't me.
And how can I ever believe someone really loves me if that's not who I'm showing to them?
Isn’t it bare minimum that we need Validation, Attention, Safety and Praise? Even with my recently ended situationship I wasn’t acting myself because of being scared of being rejected or being judged by the other person. But when new people come in life I’m scared of giving too much and hurting myself again.
I dislike the term bare minimum. It makes everything an obligation. Yes you deserve all of the above but when someone gives it to you they are doing it from heart and not out of obligation of "bare minimum".
You are scared of giving too much because you aren't yet at fully peace with yourself so the external validation helps settle your rattling thoughts. I hope you realize there's nothing "wrong" with you unless you objectively put other's well-being at risk with your actions. Whatever you do, can't be *that bad*.
Really well written. Thank you for this. I’ve thought about this so many times. Recently I’ve also thought about how *open-minded* on a dating app now means “open to all my sexual fantasies” instead of being open to new ideas and deep conversations. I don’t like this male invented dating language.
Apps always have and always will cater to men who are exceptionally good-looking. But for 90% of men, apps are just platforms that tell you every woman in your city isn't interested in you. It's absolute silence.
What's crazy is that it's also hurting the men. I see how it can be seen as male-inverted, but I also blame the romanticization of the 'Casual Casanova Types' in pop culture over the last few decades.. think of your Joey Tribbianis and your Barney Stinsons....
Now even men who don't actually think that stuff is cool respect those as the typical male role model and apps are like "HERE YOU GO!"
This was so well-written and I 100 percent agree with you. Especially what you said about how ridiculous this idea of "no expectations" is... It's so emotionally dishonest and I hope that more women (and men!) will wake up to this and realize what an insane thing it is to be asked to agree to.
oh my god. this: "I want no part in feigning disinterest to appease someone and hold them for as long as I can before they eventually slip through my fingers."
This is so well written. I found myself connecting with you over and over again as you talked of your experience and your thoughts of the frivolousness and ridiculousness of “casual” which just has no place is a human world where relationships are full of nuance and complexity. Avoidance is so cheap.
As a woman who was married and widowed and now dating; I can tell you there are many broken people of a certain age. I worry about younger women who do not understand their power and worth. I want to reach back and tell you that men will test every boundary you have; it’s in their DNA and reinforced by social media and their immediate friend circle. I don’t want to be pessimistic but my advice is to have a lot of female friendships and work connections. As it relates to men …. Go very slowly and listen to your gut. Move quickly to cull the manipulators and predators to climb higher. If a man wants you, he will climb mountains to find you.
The main question here is, why do we allow ourselves to be in such situations? Whether you are a man or a woman, I do not think this is a gender argument!
Is the bigger concern that broken people are getting involved with broken people? Because only a broken person will except being treated in a broken way. Our society is broken, and getting worse by the day.
And, how are we all going to solve this concern that this article has brought to light? Which we have been experiencing for decades!
And I do agree that a casual relationship should mean "let’s see where this goes" as we are just getting to know each other. And fundamentally a relationship should be about the ability to express one's self; one's true self. But then another question arises from such a statement, "do you know who you truly are?"
But then being alone is not a strong enough reason for allowing someone to treat you in a particular way, especially if you are not comfortable with it. We need to learn to be comfortable in our own company, and learn to understand that there is nothing wrong with being alone; it is actually a strength!
That is not my point! My point is that it is something that we should try and learn to overcome. Life is full of obstacles, and we shouldn't let them hold us back. Life is about growth. How people choose to deal with life is down to them. I choose to grow with life.
I used to torture myself wondering how these men really saw me until I turned the question around and realized I saw them as something they weren’t either— their potential. There’s nothing wrong with hope, but it clouds the present sometimes —and that’s dangerous.
love this so much. i hate the guise of "casual." it's a way to enjoy the benefits of someone's presence, love, attention, and company without returning the emotional responsibility of experiencing it. it feels genuinely cruel in some ways. to have someone know every part of you, but dismiss it as "casual."
I felt like this was written for me. Back when I was still dating, I met a guy who claimed he wanted something serious. A couple of weeks in, he told me he was seeing other women simultaneously BUT he still wanted to see me. I decided to finish things because I was catching feelings and could see this spiralling out of control. The text messages came next. One after the other. We texted for a few days even though my gut screamed that this was a bad idea. It was only after he sent a suggestive, sexually implied gif that I decided to end it. The guy didn't want in. He wanted to keep all his options open. In other words, he wanted all the gelato flavours. That's not how life works, my friend.
"But there’s no leveling with an avoidant who’s already halfway out the door. No matter how much evidence you provide, you’re shouting into the void. My stash of primary sources were treated like the words of folklore — heard, but never believed."
Straight bars, no notes. Holy cow, this piece is going to be sitting and stewing in my brain for a while. Thank you.
I love this. It also made me realize that even in a current (very new) committed relationship I still find myself watching my words. I'm performing. Instead of just being myself and offering the sort of love I want to (the sort of love that makes ME feel alive) I try to create a perfect version of something.
For what? To receive back something. Validation. Attention. Praise. Safety? I can't give too much of myself because if I do, I risk rejection, and that would hurt. But pretending to be casual hurts in a different way. I never actually feel loved because what I'm presenting isn't me.
And how can I ever believe someone really loves me if that's not who I'm showing to them?
Great piece, thanks for writing it. 🙏🏼
Isn’t it bare minimum that we need Validation, Attention, Safety and Praise? Even with my recently ended situationship I wasn’t acting myself because of being scared of being rejected or being judged by the other person. But when new people come in life I’m scared of giving too much and hurting myself again.
I dislike the term bare minimum. It makes everything an obligation. Yes you deserve all of the above but when someone gives it to you they are doing it from heart and not out of obligation of "bare minimum".
You are scared of giving too much because you aren't yet at fully peace with yourself so the external validation helps settle your rattling thoughts. I hope you realize there's nothing "wrong" with you unless you objectively put other's well-being at risk with your actions. Whatever you do, can't be *that bad*.
https://chocolatemonday.substack.com/p/how-i-healed-from-a-one-sided-relationship?r=5kbv2i&utm_medium=ios
I wrote this from my personal healing experience
I write everything; from poems to spoken words to scripts. Heartfelt stories, real experiences and erotic stories. Please check out my page for more
Really well written. Thank you for this. I’ve thought about this so many times. Recently I’ve also thought about how *open-minded* on a dating app now means “open to all my sexual fantasies” instead of being open to new ideas and deep conversations. I don’t like this male invented dating language.
i like "male-invented dating language" because apps are catering more to men these days😭
Apps always have and always will cater to men who are exceptionally good-looking. But for 90% of men, apps are just platforms that tell you every woman in your city isn't interested in you. It's absolute silence.
What's crazy is that it's also hurting the men. I see how it can be seen as male-inverted, but I also blame the romanticization of the 'Casual Casanova Types' in pop culture over the last few decades.. think of your Joey Tribbianis and your Barney Stinsons....
Now even men who don't actually think that stuff is cool respect those as the typical male role model and apps are like "HERE YOU GO!"
https://chocolatemonday.substack.com/p/how-i-healed-from-a-one-sided-relationship?r=5kbv2i&utm_medium=ios
I wrote this from my personal healing experience
I write everything; from poems to spoken words to scripts. Heartfelt stories, real experiences and erotic stories. Please check out my page for more
This was so well-written and I 100 percent agree with you. Especially what you said about how ridiculous this idea of "no expectations" is... It's so emotionally dishonest and I hope that more women (and men!) will wake up to this and realize what an insane thing it is to be asked to agree to.
https://chocolatemonday.substack.com/p/how-i-healed-from-a-one-sided-relationship?r=5kbv2i&utm_medium=ios
I wrote this from my personal healing experience
I write everything; from poems to spoken words to scripts. Heartfelt stories, real experiences and erotic stories. Please check out my page for more
oh my god. this: "I want no part in feigning disinterest to appease someone and hold them for as long as I can before they eventually slip through my fingers."
This is so well written. I found myself connecting with you over and over again as you talked of your experience and your thoughts of the frivolousness and ridiculousness of “casual” which just has no place is a human world where relationships are full of nuance and complexity. Avoidance is so cheap.
So cheap!!!
https://chocolatemonday.substack.com/p/how-i-healed-from-a-one-sided-relationship?r=5kbv2i&utm_medium=ios
I wrote this from my personal healing experience
I write everything; from poems to spoken words to scripts. Heartfelt stories, real experiences and erotic stories. Please check out my page for more
When I see a bloke use the word casual I know he pretty much wants a human fleshlight and there'll be very little 'fun' in it for me.
As a woman who was married and widowed and now dating; I can tell you there are many broken people of a certain age. I worry about younger women who do not understand their power and worth. I want to reach back and tell you that men will test every boundary you have; it’s in their DNA and reinforced by social media and their immediate friend circle. I don’t want to be pessimistic but my advice is to have a lot of female friendships and work connections. As it relates to men …. Go very slowly and listen to your gut. Move quickly to cull the manipulators and predators to climb higher. If a man wants you, he will climb mountains to find you.
this is so well written i feel like I've been punched in the gut. currently being in a weird situationship and reading this was exactly what i needed.
The biggest thing I’ve learned from my past situationships is that if I’m happy to be receiving scraps, then neither he nor I like me enough.
Yeah, I can relate
The main question here is, why do we allow ourselves to be in such situations? Whether you are a man or a woman, I do not think this is a gender argument!
Is the bigger concern that broken people are getting involved with broken people? Because only a broken person will except being treated in a broken way. Our society is broken, and getting worse by the day.
And, how are we all going to solve this concern that this article has brought to light? Which we have been experiencing for decades!
And I do agree that a casual relationship should mean "let’s see where this goes" as we are just getting to know each other. And fundamentally a relationship should be about the ability to express one's self; one's true self. But then another question arises from such a statement, "do you know who you truly are?"
It's allowed because ppl don't wanna be alone imo
But then being alone is not a strong enough reason for allowing someone to treat you in a particular way, especially if you are not comfortable with it. We need to learn to be comfortable in our own company, and learn to understand that there is nothing wrong with being alone; it is actually a strength!
It is for some
That is not my point! My point is that it is something that we should try and learn to overcome. Life is full of obstacles, and we shouldn't let them hold us back. Life is about growth. How people choose to deal with life is down to them. I choose to grow with life.
Can I just say this is not a thing only men do. I have experienced this with many women as well.
as a bi woman, yes, I 100% agree
I used to torture myself wondering how these men really saw me until I turned the question around and realized I saw them as something they weren’t either— their potential. There’s nothing wrong with hope, but it clouds the present sometimes —and that’s dangerous.
love this so much. i hate the guise of "casual." it's a way to enjoy the benefits of someone's presence, love, attention, and company without returning the emotional responsibility of experiencing it. it feels genuinely cruel in some ways. to have someone know every part of you, but dismiss it as "casual."
"It only delays the inevitable"
That's just it. Because at end of everything. It either yes,I want to be with you or a No, I'm not interested in a relationship.
I felt like this was written for me. Back when I was still dating, I met a guy who claimed he wanted something serious. A couple of weeks in, he told me he was seeing other women simultaneously BUT he still wanted to see me. I decided to finish things because I was catching feelings and could see this spiralling out of control. The text messages came next. One after the other. We texted for a few days even though my gut screamed that this was a bad idea. It was only after he sent a suggestive, sexually implied gif that I decided to end it. The guy didn't want in. He wanted to keep all his options open. In other words, he wanted all the gelato flavours. That's not how life works, my friend.
"But there’s no leveling with an avoidant who’s already halfway out the door. No matter how much evidence you provide, you’re shouting into the void. My stash of primary sources were treated like the words of folklore — heard, but never believed."
Straight bars, no notes. Holy cow, this piece is going to be sitting and stewing in my brain for a while. Thank you.