I remember this feeling all too well! my first love ended after 3 years right before my 21st birthday (and it was March 2020…right as Covid began!) I spent 3 very long years single, the way I yearned to be loved & to love someone in return was all-encompassing. But looking back, I am grateful things worked as they did, those were very painful & formative years for me, I am glad I navigated them single. I’m thankful for the breakup now & everything I learned before I ended up with someone new. I’m almost 26 now & my boyfriend is proposing sometime soon (ahhhh) I know the right love (or loves, who knows how many more lovers are out there for you) will come your way & light your world in all the ways you deserve. Try to find the joy in the now, even if that’s hard today. ❤️
I so remember being where you are now. I know it doesn’t help right now but just wait - your moment is coming and when it does you’ll feel so numb that you can’t believe it’s even happening. 20 years married for me soon and I still marvel at the wedding rings on my hand. Like I won some lottery or something and I’m so grateful to those that went before because they taught me what I was looking for.
Just when I thought I had outgrown it, like a joker laughing in my face, the strings draw me back in, hoping in my heart what my head knows is clearly over. Hmmm.
Things won't always be like this though, so I'll keep believing in something better to come.
"After they come to an end, because they inevitably always do, I mask it like I prefer it that way. As if actually feeling a spark would be a nuisance. As if being wanted would threaten my independence."
Such a great way of putting it, thank you for your honesty.
"I sometimes question if breaking up with my high school boyfriend also meant severing the part of me that believed in forever."
This hits so hard. I remember the feelings I had at 20 - they are so deep, real and all-encompassing. Now that I'm 33 I can safely say that there is so much love ahead of you to be experienced and enjoyed, despite the times where it feels hopeless.
This feels like I'm reading something from my diary when I was 20. Now I am 25, and I still have so much to learn, but I look back on those years with so much regret that I wasted all my energy on worry. Worry that I would never find it. I now see how unproductive that is. You are so young! These are your prime years to really know yourself, untethered to a romantic partner. I am so so grateful for my single years in my early 20s. My best advice - carry yourself into these next few years as if you know you will find someone (and dont put pressure on yourself to pinpoint what they should be). It is so freeing to be able to experience your early 20s without this pressure and worry, because if you do, you will end up like me - holding so much regret and resentment for my past self that stewed over my romantic life for far too many years.
I feel this so badddd. I'm the same age but I've never been in love. All my friends kinda have something going on rn and I know I still have plenty of time to find it but I still feel so behind.
The curse of the first love is strange because I’ve gotten used to having resentment towards random items, places, and things. That’s the curse of the first teenage love specifically however. I’m happy to have had the experience of what many call, “teenage love” but I don’t recall signing up for consent reminders that this person is truly gone. It’s like those pesky spam calls that go, “I’m calling about your car's extended warranty blah blah blah…” only worse because no matter how many times I block this number (rid my brain of thoughts) my heart still manages to work his name into conversations. My eyes have a knack for spotting his favorite drink at the grocery store, subtly reminding me it’s over. This is the curse of the, “first romantic relationship” love at its finest.
I remember this feeling all too well! my first love ended after 3 years right before my 21st birthday (and it was March 2020…right as Covid began!) I spent 3 very long years single, the way I yearned to be loved & to love someone in return was all-encompassing. But looking back, I am grateful things worked as they did, those were very painful & formative years for me, I am glad I navigated them single. I’m thankful for the breakup now & everything I learned before I ended up with someone new. I’m almost 26 now & my boyfriend is proposing sometime soon (ahhhh) I know the right love (or loves, who knows how many more lovers are out there for you) will come your way & light your world in all the ways you deserve. Try to find the joy in the now, even if that’s hard today. ❤️
I so remember being where you are now. I know it doesn’t help right now but just wait - your moment is coming and when it does you’ll feel so numb that you can’t believe it’s even happening. 20 years married for me soon and I still marvel at the wedding rings on my hand. Like I won some lottery or something and I’m so grateful to those that went before because they taught me what I was looking for.
this was beautiful ❤️ i’ve been processing my first love breakup thru poems and stories as well, and boy did i feel seen 😭
Just when I thought I had outgrown it, like a joker laughing in my face, the strings draw me back in, hoping in my heart what my head knows is clearly over. Hmmm.
Things won't always be like this though, so I'll keep believing in something better to come.
Thank you for this🤍.
you put my feelings into words effortlessly. that was earth-shatteringly raw and real
"After they come to an end, because they inevitably always do, I mask it like I prefer it that way. As if actually feeling a spark would be a nuisance. As if being wanted would threaten my independence."
Such a great way of putting it, thank you for your honesty.
"I sometimes question if breaking up with my high school boyfriend also meant severing the part of me that believed in forever."
This hits so hard. I remember the feelings I had at 20 - they are so deep, real and all-encompassing. Now that I'm 33 I can safely say that there is so much love ahead of you to be experienced and enjoyed, despite the times where it feels hopeless.
I was planning to speed run through this but then I started to relate and my mind slowed to an almost dizzying pace. this is really amazing writing
omg this was so raw & so real, istg tysm for sharing this with us 😭💗
loved this. and don't get me started on 'almosts'...
This feels like I'm reading something from my diary when I was 20. Now I am 25, and I still have so much to learn, but I look back on those years with so much regret that I wasted all my energy on worry. Worry that I would never find it. I now see how unproductive that is. You are so young! These are your prime years to really know yourself, untethered to a romantic partner. I am so so grateful for my single years in my early 20s. My best advice - carry yourself into these next few years as if you know you will find someone (and dont put pressure on yourself to pinpoint what they should be). It is so freeing to be able to experience your early 20s without this pressure and worry, because if you do, you will end up like me - holding so much regret and resentment for my past self that stewed over my romantic life for far too many years.
can't even comment on how real this is. shook.
I feel this so badddd. I'm the same age but I've never been in love. All my friends kinda have something going on rn and I know I still have plenty of time to find it but I still feel so behind.
The curse of the first love is strange because I’ve gotten used to having resentment towards random items, places, and things. That’s the curse of the first teenage love specifically however. I’m happy to have had the experience of what many call, “teenage love” but I don’t recall signing up for consent reminders that this person is truly gone. It’s like those pesky spam calls that go, “I’m calling about your car's extended warranty blah blah blah…” only worse because no matter how many times I block this number (rid my brain of thoughts) my heart still manages to work his name into conversations. My eyes have a knack for spotting his favorite drink at the grocery store, subtly reminding me it’s over. This is the curse of the, “first romantic relationship” love at its finest.
i dont know what did i do to deserve it on my feed today, god knows how much i needed it.
"I'm stuck at the basement of my mind" ... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I had to fully pause after reading that. You have such a lovely way with words