I agree, but I also feel like the difference with modern society is that because of technology we live much further apart that we would have in the past. Of course my mother didn’t need constant communication from her boyfriends…because they lived on the same block! She’d inevitably run into him and probably also move in with him sooner than we would today (mostly). I think the overall anxiety and need for communication comes from us being alienated from our communities and making our SOs the sole providers of our emotional needs.
This is an excellent point. I also think external validation is easy to get elsewhere, i.e., views on a story, likes on a post, compliments on a dating app. We’re all so used to quickly getting that little shot of dopamine when we need it, so when we can’t force it, we don’t like it and the anxiety creeps in. This is, of course, because we have alienated ourselves from our communities as you said, and care more about our online communities - the people who validate our carefully cultivated personas and not our raw, authentic selves
I agree, to add on to that I think because we live in a society were we are well aware of the role external validation plays in everyones day to day life. Some people have started to weaponize that, e.g taking a long time to seem disinterested, not texting someone immediately after getting their number or simply not blowing up their phone every time you think about them. People have started to regulate all these interactions to the point were they completely wiped communication out. And with the rise of such an action taking place people find it hard to find any peace in the solitude because of the negative connotation now attached to said silence. Causing an increase in anxiety overall and sometimes leading to falling into a deeper hole for short term gratification (likes,dms etc)
People aren't starting to weaponize communication, when I was first dating in the late 90s it was pretty normal to not call someone immediately after getting their number to appear cool. I honestly think avoiding phone calls is why so many people don't expect immediate text responses. Maybe it's just that I'm older but the value of text is that it's not time sensitive. Phone calls are how you get immediate contact and validation, text is a when I can get to it medium like letter writing. Wanting immediate text responses seems silly to me for anything other than addresses, lists or other things that are easier to write than explain, like trying to meet up at a venue.
I agree with this take. I think technology has played a role in allowing us to live more physically distanced lives that mean more people don’t interact with their community, the people who live closest to them, as much as we used to. I definitely think that our individualistic culture also played a role. It would be interesting to hear the thoughts of a sociologist and anthropologist on the evolution of our culture and local connectedness.
It’s interesting how digital technology has reduced the barriers of physical and temporal distance, but it seems to have increased our distance from our own present environment and the present moment.
Not only do we feel alienated and distant, only connected by pixelated displays, but also how technology itself has influenced the way we think. The way we think of romance, love, and everything in between, in this case. Everything is instant, and I believe that ruins the very authenticity of romance which, to my liking, is steady and gentle (you might as well call it "slow burn love"). Personally speaking as an anxious person slowly recovering, it's both wonderful and embarrassing how a small highlighted, 10 second Tiktok post can greatly impact the way I define love in everything.
Lovely, beautifully written essay and I agree, but I also agree with the commenter. I’m noticing more that convenience is absolutely decimating community and intimacy…
But we're also checking our phone notifications while we're with "our person" because we want to beat our own 'forever online' records. At the very least, we must honour this person with less if not zero distractions.
I fully agree with all the other comments, but looking at the text itself and especially the perspectives shared by people in the comments, it makes me think of a second topic that could emerge from this:
When thinking about communication with the people we’re close to—like in the case of the text, our loved ones—how much does the intensity of the love we feel for someone influence our need to communicate with them? For example, in moments like this when we’re distracted or caught up in things?
Could lack of that be a kind of “argument” for not replying, etc.? Or would the consideration that comes with the love be so strong and constant that those small “justification” messages would just come naturally?
Just to clarify, this isn’t about the author of the text—it’s just something that came to mind while reflecting on everything everyone wrote.
Greattt point. I think it goes to show how globalization and a more interconnected world has shifted ideas of relationships and community, almost for the worst sometimes. Especially when considering how prevalent western ideas of individualism and self-importance are.
I also agree that this is an excellent point. I think there is a balance between craving connection from the people you love but also taking any lack in communication so personally that it can make you feel even more alienated.
Overall anxiety and need for validation is where this all comes from! That’s it it doesn’t have anything to do with distance!!! Society breeds people who don’t feel safe within their own psyche. And it’s not up to someone else to validate that. It’s up to everyone to validate themselves within their own heart! Pure and simple… that’s it
i could remain silent and let the appreciation ruminate and linger but i wont because i LOVE this piece - what a work of art amanda. thank you for putting words into an idea that frankly i'm not brave enough to articulate.
Such an important take - wow. Constant communication has killed all anticipation, longing, and time to reflect, making for unrealistic expectations in the upkeep of our communication. This article says it all - loved it!
A great mindset to have. I started adopting this last year really working on silencing my notifications, extending the time it takes me to open or respond to a message and learn that nothing bad is going to happen if I don’t immediately respond to someone, or immediately get a response.
i personally started doing more of the opposite—un-silencing my notifications because i used to live with my phone on dnd. i’ve grown to quite like texting everyone when i think of them.
everything in moderation, of course. i leave my phone on silent when i go do dishes, laundry, have a face-to-face conversation, etc. i’m still perfectly comfortable with longer silences because i’ve already been doing that for so long.
I love the idea of “I will text you, when I think of you” - that could mean I’ll text you throughout the day, once a day, once a week. It varies for everyone and every relationship.
This hit me in the heart. So many powerful insights here, especially about the pressure for constant connection in modern relationships. From a psychological perspective, you're absolutely right—our nervous systems aren’t wired for 24/7 availability. Studies on attachment theory show that anxious attachment often thrives in digital spaces because it feeds off immediacy and perceived rejection when messages aren’t returned “fast enough.” It’s not love—it’s the brain in threat mode.
Also loved your line about love becoming “a performance.” That resonates deeply. Social psychologist Erich Fromm once wrote that love is an art, not an obligation—and the art requires spaciousness, not surveillance. The presence of trust is actually what calms the nervous system long-term, not the presence of constant messages.
I’ve been exploring a lot of this lately in my writing—how real intimacy is felt in emotional safety, not digital immediacy. This piece is such a refreshing, thoughtful reminder. Thank you for putting language to what so many of us feel but struggle to express. 💬🧠💛
I want to gently but firmly disagree with this. Not everyone experiences relationships this way, and framing anxious attachment as the default lens through which modern love operates erases a lot of nuance. Some of us are neurodivergent and navigate love with RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria), which means access, reassurance, and clear communication are love languages. Wanting a text back isn’t always about insecurity—it can be about connection, care, and regulation. I believe communication is the relationship, and the beauty of being alive right now is that we can reach out. Missing someone and telling them? That’s not performative—that’s brave. Your boyfriend sounded emotionally withholding, and I hope you don’t base your future relationships on his coldness. You get to want tenderness. You get to be known. Love can be abundant and mutual and expressed in real time without it being surveillance. Let’s make room for those kinds of relationships too. ♥️
The main issue here is expectations! Technology has taken those expectations that we once had (before the mobile phone) and injected those expectations with steroids. Everything must be done faster, responding to a text must be done right away, and so on. But we must also remember, that we are walking around with a smart phone, which allows instant access to each of us. Thus, this makes any anxious person feel more anxious if they are not responded to, or a message isn't sent to them. Anyone that suffers with anxiety, technology has made it far worse.
Communication has now become a commodity, how much communication are you willing to put into a relationship, how regular, should you take your time to respond; as you don't want to appear to available. Which to me, is nonsense, because there should be an understanding set there in the first place. If you're in a relationship that isn't how you would like it to be, and you have expressed this but to no avail, then leave. We need to communicate what we expect from the beginning of any relationship.
I understand and partly agree with what you're saying. I despise the whole nonchalant type attitude when it comes to showing interest in someone or dating. I also agree with what you said about communication being a commodity. I hate that it has become adopted in the dating culture. I think the author is coming from a perspective of "we don't need to talk all day to know that I love you" type of deal, which is true. Talking all day long in a relationship fizzles it out. Expecting constant communication is just not realistic. People do have lives and other things going on, and it shouldn't be expected of someone to text someone back AS SOON as they text you, BUT I do think it's easy to just be like, "hey, i'm at work it's pretty busy right now, i'll text you when i can" or something along those lines.
I completely understand the authors point. However, this should be spoken about from the beginning, as we don't know nor understand someones past, especially if they have been traumatised. And the only way to do so, is to communicate this.
I have heard from a load of people in relationships say that they understand their partner is busy, but then they still don't communicate that they are busy or they forget to text them back. Which causes further issues, which the author further highlights. So it's still fundamentally about communication. And if we agree that we love each other, then surely we should have empathy.
And if I received a text from my Mrs, and I'm not busy, then I would text her back straight away. If I'm busy, then it will be a delayed response.
And there are relationships where they do speak everyday or even work together, and it works fine for them. Their relationship is healthy.
Fundamentally, it's about the partner that we choose, I think.
And thank you for engaging with me on this topic, that most of us have issues with.
I agree. I will say I didn't like the piece because I just don't think it's that big of a deal to communicate to your partner when you want some time alone. I think it removes all of this 'obligation' or 'performance' by just telling someone 'Hey, don't really want to talk right now.' It helps with any unnecessary fighting down the line.
For sure. I just find it strange that people find communication such a hard thing to do. I understand that there maybe underlining psychological issues. But the funny thing is that the lack of communication is the main factor for most relationships breaking down.
"We need to communicate what we expect from the beginning of any relationship... " I think that's necessary in an employer-employee relationship. But not in an intimate or friendly relationship. It changes the dynamics to an obligation more than an intimate one. Anyway, that's just my thoughts after reading your comment.
Just to be clear here, you are comparing being open from the beginning in a relationship, is somehow similar to a work relationship? Please explain so I can understand.
I am open from the beginning of any relationship, as I see being open as a fundamental part of growth. If you aren't open from the beginning, then how do you know where you stand, and how are you going to grow? I don't believe in mind reading or telepathy, communication in what works for me.
Um ok, I will try and explain. Yes, a work relationship is way different from an intimate one, or a relationship with friends, and I won't go into all the reasons why I think that atm. " An open relationship is a fundamental part of growth" Well, I guess it depends on what an open relationship is for you. What I was saying is that if we lay out our expectations to our partners in the beginning, then we are setting rules and regulations that will extinguish the flame of passion and romance. Now, growth is what we do naturally; a tree simply grows depending on its environment, and we do too. We don't have to "try" and grow, we just grow. ok, now mind-reading or telepathy. Thoughts just pop into our minds, we don't think about what we are going to think about. However, we can discard useless, meaningless and annoying thoughts. Just say to yourself, " I wonder what I will think about next", and wait for the next thought to enter. This is a great way to reset, and not continue in mental loops and repetitive thought patterns. Personally, I think if you communicate every thought that enters your head with your loved one, then this can do way more harm than good. Just watch those thoughts and be wise with the ones you share. I am talking from a 60-year-old's point of view of cause, and everyone can and will do whatever they do. I am only trying to respond to your message. I hope you have a calm and peaceful day. Take care.
The only way for us to understand is to communicate, which again, reinforces my point. You have just explained to me what your understanding in order for me to understand. Now, if I had never asked you to explain your point, I would go on to guess or assume what you mean. Which means that I would have failed to understand you. Which then leads to miscommunication, which most intimate relationships have issues with. The most common reason as to why relationships fail is because of communication issues. Thus, if you tell someone what you expect from them in the beginning of an intimate, or any relationship for a matter of fact, then you create a foundation of honesty. As a a relationship must be based upon honesty from the beginning.
And there are no expectations being laid on anyone, other than to be honest, If you're a man that wants a polygamist relationship, and you don't tell your partner, is that not wrong? Then for her to fall in love with you and for you then to tell her that you're not into monogamy? This is my fundamental point here. Passion can't be lost from telling the truth!
And your point about humans grow naturally, I disagree, and my reason for this is, what I see everyday in the human experience. Children following the negative examples of their parent/s, going onto be just as destructive as them. No growth, just a repeated loop of destructive stagnation. Right now, for me, humans fail to grow as we must and should naturally, because of the trauma that most of us experience in life.
And thank you for sharing your views. It's good to talk to someone older than myself with a different understanding. You take care also.
ok, you make a couple of interesting points. Honest communication, I worked as a Registered Nurse for many years and have listened to and watched the behaviour of many people in many different situations and circumstances. Towards the end of my career, I worked in mental health. Unfortunately, some people are unable to be honest. They lie when the truth will do. A thought jumps into their minds, and they don't question the validity of it; they just believe it to be true. I would like to think that most of us know what the truth is. However, there are endless justifications on why people might lie. I am referring to your polygamist scenario. If we are starting a relationship, sure, we can say, Please never lie to me and always tell me the truth. Yet, does that work? I think people will say and do whatever they want to, regardless of how clear we make our expectations. So, for me at least, it's about ensuring that I am abiding by my own principles and values. Now, growth. Yes its easy to see children growing up and behaving like their parents, and being indoctrinated by society, but are they stagnating, or just growing at their own pace? So, I guess the definition of growth needs to be clarified. I am referring to simple natural growth, as with the tree and its environment. I think you might be referring to cognitive maturity or something like that, I'm not sure. Furthermore, it seems to me that if my internal environment changes, then my external environment follows suit. For example, if I am walking through a crowded mall, and have a thought that puts a slight grin or smile on my face, then I look up at someone they often smile or grin back, yet if I am walking around looking miserable, it seems as if everyone else is miserable too. This has simply been my personal experience. Focusing on my own thoughts and behaviours has been way more profitable than to communicate my desires, wishes and expectations to others. I understand what you are saying, and many people like to set boundaries, etc and testify of how well it has worked for them. Unfortunately, it has never worked for me, so I go inward. Yet in saying that, sometimes I can still be Mr Haveachat.
Or course, you can't control what people do or say, but you can control how you choose to respond. While I agree with all that you have just stated, the point of communication is still valid.
Truth can only be hidden for a particular amount of time, but this also depends on how good you are at spotting lies. Most people ignore their inner voice, that truth detector, only in the end to wish that they had listened to that inner voice.
My point fundamentally is about being honest, no matter what the other person does, responsibility falls upon you, and how you choose to deal with the situation. Personally when I have stated what I expect, and vice versa, once those understanding have been broken, then I need to check myself. And, I have left those relationships, knowing that they will break down in the end. My time is very precious, and I refuse to waste it.
Well, I have a degree in Child Psychology, and have worked with dysfunctional children. And what I have experienced is a complete destruction of their social and cognitive capacities because of their parents. Well, you could say that they're growing at their own pace, but that wouldn't be the correct description. Because most children don't recover from trauma, yes, you will have outliers, but those are few and far between. These children tend to fail in life and never recover. This is what I mean by stagnation. Thus, they carry all of these anxious expectations into any relationship.
i agree wholeheartedly, and this is another symptom of the isolation produced by techno-capitalism. it is deeply intertwined with our desperate need for different kinds of relationships than the ones we foster now, which are irradiated and mutated by our work lives/ productive selves and the constant stream of media we consume to satiate our dopamine receptors. while your criticism is far more personal, i think it’s a potent reminder that love didn’t always look like it does now, and it can change again. i always think about how, just a few hundred years ago, a person could reasonable be expected to leave their hometown and never see their family again, only communicating as frequently as possible via letter. i wonder if we could learn something from being okay with such immense space in such a small world today
I simply disagree! calling check-ins anxious attachment is simply not true. You said it yourself: "Some thrive on it. Others suffocate". So the only thing you need to know is whether your partner thrives or suffocates.
Love the way you explained something I think about constantly! I agree and think that space and separation are actually essential in a relationship. Thanks for sharing!
"There’s a sense of entitlement to constant communication" clock it.
24/7 availability & the expectation placed on our partners to be present 100% no matter where, no matter when is unsustainable. we're not machines going through the motions, we're humans with waxing and waning energy levels. no one can give fully all the time; what would be left to give?
absolutely stellar piece, every line is a new brilliant insight! thanks for sharing :)
this is so real and so beautifully said. something I've learned with my boyfriend is that not every impulse should be followed. There are so many moments in my day where I'm just itching to know what he's doing, what he had for lunch, where he is. But if every spark of curiosity is satisfied, then what's left for us at the end of the day? we also like to save our really deep conversation for IRL, or over the phone when we don't get to see each other much during the week. i'd love to see the normalisation of self-control when it comes to communication, especially now with the proliferation of technology.
I agree, but I also feel like the difference with modern society is that because of technology we live much further apart that we would have in the past. Of course my mother didn’t need constant communication from her boyfriends…because they lived on the same block! She’d inevitably run into him and probably also move in with him sooner than we would today (mostly). I think the overall anxiety and need for communication comes from us being alienated from our communities and making our SOs the sole providers of our emotional needs.
This is an excellent point. I also think external validation is easy to get elsewhere, i.e., views on a story, likes on a post, compliments on a dating app. We’re all so used to quickly getting that little shot of dopamine when we need it, so when we can’t force it, we don’t like it and the anxiety creeps in. This is, of course, because we have alienated ourselves from our communities as you said, and care more about our online communities - the people who validate our carefully cultivated personas and not our raw, authentic selves
I agree, to add on to that I think because we live in a society were we are well aware of the role external validation plays in everyones day to day life. Some people have started to weaponize that, e.g taking a long time to seem disinterested, not texting someone immediately after getting their number or simply not blowing up their phone every time you think about them. People have started to regulate all these interactions to the point were they completely wiped communication out. And with the rise of such an action taking place people find it hard to find any peace in the solitude because of the negative connotation now attached to said silence. Causing an increase in anxiety overall and sometimes leading to falling into a deeper hole for short term gratification (likes,dms etc)
People aren't starting to weaponize communication, when I was first dating in the late 90s it was pretty normal to not call someone immediately after getting their number to appear cool. I honestly think avoiding phone calls is why so many people don't expect immediate text responses. Maybe it's just that I'm older but the value of text is that it's not time sensitive. Phone calls are how you get immediate contact and validation, text is a when I can get to it medium like letter writing. Wanting immediate text responses seems silly to me for anything other than addresses, lists or other things that are easier to write than explain, like trying to meet up at a venue.
https://substack.com/@chocolatemonday/note/p-162209571?r=5kbv2i&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
I agree with this take. I think technology has played a role in allowing us to live more physically distanced lives that mean more people don’t interact with their community, the people who live closest to them, as much as we used to. I definitely think that our individualistic culture also played a role. It would be interesting to hear the thoughts of a sociologist and anthropologist on the evolution of our culture and local connectedness.
It’s interesting how digital technology has reduced the barriers of physical and temporal distance, but it seems to have increased our distance from our own present environment and the present moment.
i wrote about this :)
When I find an article passed on this I can’t wait to see the findings :))
https://www.mercurynews.com/2025/05/19/victims-of-explicit-deepfakes-will-soon-be-able-to-take-legal-action-against-people-who-create-them/
I’m no professional but I’d love to write about this!
Not only do we feel alienated and distant, only connected by pixelated displays, but also how technology itself has influenced the way we think. The way we think of romance, love, and everything in between, in this case. Everything is instant, and I believe that ruins the very authenticity of romance which, to my liking, is steady and gentle (you might as well call it "slow burn love"). Personally speaking as an anxious person slowly recovering, it's both wonderful and embarrassing how a small highlighted, 10 second Tiktok post can greatly impact the way I define love in everything.
Lovely, beautifully written essay and I agree, but I also agree with the commenter. I’m noticing more that convenience is absolutely decimating community and intimacy…
Totally agree!
But we're also checking our phone notifications while we're with "our person" because we want to beat our own 'forever online' records. At the very least, we must honour this person with less if not zero distractions.
I fully agree with all the other comments, but looking at the text itself and especially the perspectives shared by people in the comments, it makes me think of a second topic that could emerge from this:
When thinking about communication with the people we’re close to—like in the case of the text, our loved ones—how much does the intensity of the love we feel for someone influence our need to communicate with them? For example, in moments like this when we’re distracted or caught up in things?
Could lack of that be a kind of “argument” for not replying, etc.? Or would the consideration that comes with the love be so strong and constant that those small “justification” messages would just come naturally?
Just to clarify, this isn’t about the author of the text—it’s just something that came to mind while reflecting on everything everyone wrote.
Dang Sofia, that's on-point... no wonder your name means "wisdom"! 😉 Thank you.
I like this viewpoint!
Valid point.
Greattt point. I think it goes to show how globalization and a more interconnected world has shifted ideas of relationships and community, almost for the worst sometimes. Especially when considering how prevalent western ideas of individualism and self-importance are.
I also agree that this is an excellent point. I think there is a balance between craving connection from the people you love but also taking any lack in communication so personally that it can make you feel even more alienated.
Overall anxiety and need for validation is where this all comes from! That’s it it doesn’t have anything to do with distance!!! Society breeds people who don’t feel safe within their own psyche. And it’s not up to someone else to validate that. It’s up to everyone to validate themselves within their own heart! Pure and simple… that’s it
I crave communication because I live alone in the Sierras in Northern California. I feel lost and alone.
i could remain silent and let the appreciation ruminate and linger but i wont because i LOVE this piece - what a work of art amanda. thank you for putting words into an idea that frankly i'm not brave enough to articulate.
Such an important take - wow. Constant communication has killed all anticipation, longing, and time to reflect, making for unrealistic expectations in the upkeep of our communication. This article says it all - loved it!
I might send this piece to every single person I date for the rest of my life.
honestly!!
A great mindset to have. I started adopting this last year really working on silencing my notifications, extending the time it takes me to open or respond to a message and learn that nothing bad is going to happen if I don’t immediately respond to someone, or immediately get a response.
i personally started doing more of the opposite—un-silencing my notifications because i used to live with my phone on dnd. i’ve grown to quite like texting everyone when i think of them.
everything in moderation, of course. i leave my phone on silent when i go do dishes, laundry, have a face-to-face conversation, etc. i’m still perfectly comfortable with longer silences because i’ve already been doing that for so long.
I love the idea of “I will text you, when I think of you” - that could mean I’ll text you throughout the day, once a day, once a week. It varies for everyone and every relationship.
Yeah, the personal responsibility is missing from this piece. Your take here is more said with fewer words.
This hit me in the heart. So many powerful insights here, especially about the pressure for constant connection in modern relationships. From a psychological perspective, you're absolutely right—our nervous systems aren’t wired for 24/7 availability. Studies on attachment theory show that anxious attachment often thrives in digital spaces because it feeds off immediacy and perceived rejection when messages aren’t returned “fast enough.” It’s not love—it’s the brain in threat mode.
Also loved your line about love becoming “a performance.” That resonates deeply. Social psychologist Erich Fromm once wrote that love is an art, not an obligation—and the art requires spaciousness, not surveillance. The presence of trust is actually what calms the nervous system long-term, not the presence of constant messages.
I’ve been exploring a lot of this lately in my writing—how real intimacy is felt in emotional safety, not digital immediacy. This piece is such a refreshing, thoughtful reminder. Thank you for putting language to what so many of us feel but struggle to express. 💬🧠💛
I want to gently but firmly disagree with this. Not everyone experiences relationships this way, and framing anxious attachment as the default lens through which modern love operates erases a lot of nuance. Some of us are neurodivergent and navigate love with RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria), which means access, reassurance, and clear communication are love languages. Wanting a text back isn’t always about insecurity—it can be about connection, care, and regulation. I believe communication is the relationship, and the beauty of being alive right now is that we can reach out. Missing someone and telling them? That’s not performative—that’s brave. Your boyfriend sounded emotionally withholding, and I hope you don’t base your future relationships on his coldness. You get to want tenderness. You get to be known. Love can be abundant and mutual and expressed in real time without it being surveillance. Let’s make room for those kinds of relationships too. ♥️
I value your perspective on this!
The main issue here is expectations! Technology has taken those expectations that we once had (before the mobile phone) and injected those expectations with steroids. Everything must be done faster, responding to a text must be done right away, and so on. But we must also remember, that we are walking around with a smart phone, which allows instant access to each of us. Thus, this makes any anxious person feel more anxious if they are not responded to, or a message isn't sent to them. Anyone that suffers with anxiety, technology has made it far worse.
Communication has now become a commodity, how much communication are you willing to put into a relationship, how regular, should you take your time to respond; as you don't want to appear to available. Which to me, is nonsense, because there should be an understanding set there in the first place. If you're in a relationship that isn't how you would like it to be, and you have expressed this but to no avail, then leave. We need to communicate what we expect from the beginning of any relationship.
I understand and partly agree with what you're saying. I despise the whole nonchalant type attitude when it comes to showing interest in someone or dating. I also agree with what you said about communication being a commodity. I hate that it has become adopted in the dating culture. I think the author is coming from a perspective of "we don't need to talk all day to know that I love you" type of deal, which is true. Talking all day long in a relationship fizzles it out. Expecting constant communication is just not realistic. People do have lives and other things going on, and it shouldn't be expected of someone to text someone back AS SOON as they text you, BUT I do think it's easy to just be like, "hey, i'm at work it's pretty busy right now, i'll text you when i can" or something along those lines.
Hi Destiny,
I completely understand the authors point. However, this should be spoken about from the beginning, as we don't know nor understand someones past, especially if they have been traumatised. And the only way to do so, is to communicate this.
I have heard from a load of people in relationships say that they understand their partner is busy, but then they still don't communicate that they are busy or they forget to text them back. Which causes further issues, which the author further highlights. So it's still fundamentally about communication. And if we agree that we love each other, then surely we should have empathy.
And if I received a text from my Mrs, and I'm not busy, then I would text her back straight away. If I'm busy, then it will be a delayed response.
And there are relationships where they do speak everyday or even work together, and it works fine for them. Their relationship is healthy.
Fundamentally, it's about the partner that we choose, I think.
And thank you for engaging with me on this topic, that most of us have issues with.
I agree. I will say I didn't like the piece because I just don't think it's that big of a deal to communicate to your partner when you want some time alone. I think it removes all of this 'obligation' or 'performance' by just telling someone 'Hey, don't really want to talk right now.' It helps with any unnecessary fighting down the line.
For sure. I just find it strange that people find communication such a hard thing to do. I understand that there maybe underlining psychological issues. But the funny thing is that the lack of communication is the main factor for most relationships breaking down.
"We need to communicate what we expect from the beginning of any relationship... " I think that's necessary in an employer-employee relationship. But not in an intimate or friendly relationship. It changes the dynamics to an obligation more than an intimate one. Anyway, that's just my thoughts after reading your comment.
Just to be clear here, you are comparing being open from the beginning in a relationship, is somehow similar to a work relationship? Please explain so I can understand.
I am open from the beginning of any relationship, as I see being open as a fundamental part of growth. If you aren't open from the beginning, then how do you know where you stand, and how are you going to grow? I don't believe in mind reading or telepathy, communication in what works for me.
Um ok, I will try and explain. Yes, a work relationship is way different from an intimate one, or a relationship with friends, and I won't go into all the reasons why I think that atm. " An open relationship is a fundamental part of growth" Well, I guess it depends on what an open relationship is for you. What I was saying is that if we lay out our expectations to our partners in the beginning, then we are setting rules and regulations that will extinguish the flame of passion and romance. Now, growth is what we do naturally; a tree simply grows depending on its environment, and we do too. We don't have to "try" and grow, we just grow. ok, now mind-reading or telepathy. Thoughts just pop into our minds, we don't think about what we are going to think about. However, we can discard useless, meaningless and annoying thoughts. Just say to yourself, " I wonder what I will think about next", and wait for the next thought to enter. This is a great way to reset, and not continue in mental loops and repetitive thought patterns. Personally, I think if you communicate every thought that enters your head with your loved one, then this can do way more harm than good. Just watch those thoughts and be wise with the ones you share. I am talking from a 60-year-old's point of view of cause, and everyone can and will do whatever they do. I am only trying to respond to your message. I hope you have a calm and peaceful day. Take care.
Hi Doc,
The only way for us to understand is to communicate, which again, reinforces my point. You have just explained to me what your understanding in order for me to understand. Now, if I had never asked you to explain your point, I would go on to guess or assume what you mean. Which means that I would have failed to understand you. Which then leads to miscommunication, which most intimate relationships have issues with. The most common reason as to why relationships fail is because of communication issues. Thus, if you tell someone what you expect from them in the beginning of an intimate, or any relationship for a matter of fact, then you create a foundation of honesty. As a a relationship must be based upon honesty from the beginning.
And there are no expectations being laid on anyone, other than to be honest, If you're a man that wants a polygamist relationship, and you don't tell your partner, is that not wrong? Then for her to fall in love with you and for you then to tell her that you're not into monogamy? This is my fundamental point here. Passion can't be lost from telling the truth!
And your point about humans grow naturally, I disagree, and my reason for this is, what I see everyday in the human experience. Children following the negative examples of their parent/s, going onto be just as destructive as them. No growth, just a repeated loop of destructive stagnation. Right now, for me, humans fail to grow as we must and should naturally, because of the trauma that most of us experience in life.
And thank you for sharing your views. It's good to talk to someone older than myself with a different understanding. You take care also.
ok, you make a couple of interesting points. Honest communication, I worked as a Registered Nurse for many years and have listened to and watched the behaviour of many people in many different situations and circumstances. Towards the end of my career, I worked in mental health. Unfortunately, some people are unable to be honest. They lie when the truth will do. A thought jumps into their minds, and they don't question the validity of it; they just believe it to be true. I would like to think that most of us know what the truth is. However, there are endless justifications on why people might lie. I am referring to your polygamist scenario. If we are starting a relationship, sure, we can say, Please never lie to me and always tell me the truth. Yet, does that work? I think people will say and do whatever they want to, regardless of how clear we make our expectations. So, for me at least, it's about ensuring that I am abiding by my own principles and values. Now, growth. Yes its easy to see children growing up and behaving like their parents, and being indoctrinated by society, but are they stagnating, or just growing at their own pace? So, I guess the definition of growth needs to be clarified. I am referring to simple natural growth, as with the tree and its environment. I think you might be referring to cognitive maturity or something like that, I'm not sure. Furthermore, it seems to me that if my internal environment changes, then my external environment follows suit. For example, if I am walking through a crowded mall, and have a thought that puts a slight grin or smile on my face, then I look up at someone they often smile or grin back, yet if I am walking around looking miserable, it seems as if everyone else is miserable too. This has simply been my personal experience. Focusing on my own thoughts and behaviours has been way more profitable than to communicate my desires, wishes and expectations to others. I understand what you are saying, and many people like to set boundaries, etc and testify of how well it has worked for them. Unfortunately, it has never worked for me, so I go inward. Yet in saying that, sometimes I can still be Mr Haveachat.
Hi Doc,
Or course, you can't control what people do or say, but you can control how you choose to respond. While I agree with all that you have just stated, the point of communication is still valid.
Truth can only be hidden for a particular amount of time, but this also depends on how good you are at spotting lies. Most people ignore their inner voice, that truth detector, only in the end to wish that they had listened to that inner voice.
My point fundamentally is about being honest, no matter what the other person does, responsibility falls upon you, and how you choose to deal with the situation. Personally when I have stated what I expect, and vice versa, once those understanding have been broken, then I need to check myself. And, I have left those relationships, knowing that they will break down in the end. My time is very precious, and I refuse to waste it.
Well, I have a degree in Child Psychology, and have worked with dysfunctional children. And what I have experienced is a complete destruction of their social and cognitive capacities because of their parents. Well, you could say that they're growing at their own pace, but that wouldn't be the correct description. Because most children don't recover from trauma, yes, you will have outliers, but those are few and far between. These children tend to fail in life and never recover. This is what I mean by stagnation. Thus, they carry all of these anxious expectations into any relationship.
And again, thanks for sharing your views Doc. 😎
I read this and was like “yes” but then I realised that I love me some communication (even though I’m terrible at it)
i agree wholeheartedly, and this is another symptom of the isolation produced by techno-capitalism. it is deeply intertwined with our desperate need for different kinds of relationships than the ones we foster now, which are irradiated and mutated by our work lives/ productive selves and the constant stream of media we consume to satiate our dopamine receptors. while your criticism is far more personal, i think it’s a potent reminder that love didn’t always look like it does now, and it can change again. i always think about how, just a few hundred years ago, a person could reasonable be expected to leave their hometown and never see their family again, only communicating as frequently as possible via letter. i wonder if we could learn something from being okay with such immense space in such a small world today
instant gratification has muddled what a relationship should be — i fear i can be a victim of this too!
I simply disagree! calling check-ins anxious attachment is simply not true. You said it yourself: "Some thrive on it. Others suffocate". So the only thing you need to know is whether your partner thrives or suffocates.
Wow. And the comment section is also like another whole essay!
Love the way you explained something I think about constantly! I agree and think that space and separation are actually essential in a relationship. Thanks for sharing!
"There’s a sense of entitlement to constant communication" clock it.
24/7 availability & the expectation placed on our partners to be present 100% no matter where, no matter when is unsustainable. we're not machines going through the motions, we're humans with waxing and waning energy levels. no one can give fully all the time; what would be left to give?
absolutely stellar piece, every line is a new brilliant insight! thanks for sharing :)
this is so real and so beautifully said. something I've learned with my boyfriend is that not every impulse should be followed. There are so many moments in my day where I'm just itching to know what he's doing, what he had for lunch, where he is. But if every spark of curiosity is satisfied, then what's left for us at the end of the day? we also like to save our really deep conversation for IRL, or over the phone when we don't get to see each other much during the week. i'd love to see the normalisation of self-control when it comes to communication, especially now with the proliferation of technology.