dated a performative feminist… the facade was shattered when I realized how he treated other women around me. Only 👏respecting 👏women 👏you’re 👏attracted to 👏isn’t 👏respecting 👏women 👏
If I encounter one more man ‘reading’ the bell jar or normal people while drinking a matcha and listening to Clairo I think I’m gonna crash out, loved this piece though encapsulated all the anger and disappointment in performative feminism
The manipulation is blatant, but this behavior may be unintentionally malevolent. Obviously, I don’t know this man nor the full details of what you went through, so this response may be completely off the mark. But allow me to share a potentially valid perspective.
Women choose the sexual selection, and men will adapt—and have always adapted—to display traits that will be selected by the fairer sex. Some men may do this with conscious, disingenuous intentions. But I would guess that the vast majority of men unconsciously adopt such behaviors.
It is the same thing when you find yourself mirroring the person you’re engaged in conversation with. You find yourself portraying the same body language, and even speaking with a similar tone and pace of voice as this person. This can be done to intentionally manipulate but it is also a natural social mechanism.
I do not write this to defend this man nor chastise the validity of your perspective; rather, I am attempting to explain the ignorant nature of man. There are much more stupid, well-intended men than there are manipulative, evil men; and I hope women realize this.
This is not a call for women to openly trust every man they meet. Honestly, I’m not exactly sure what I am calling for, nor why I feel inclined to respond to this. Perhaps I am stuck in my own manly ignorance at this very moment—aka mansplaining.
However, I’ll end my response with this: in a chaotic, unpredictable world, we have to surrender to the things we cannot control, and that includes the behavior of others. I believe there is more good than evil in this world, and we should all attempt to see the good in others despite the risk of running into evil.
Always assume ignorance and/or incompetence over malevolence. But don’t exercise such a perspective naively, but with courage. Open yourself up to others and faithfully attempt to properly discern.
I appreciate you posting about this! Please let me know what you think of my response if you’re willing. Keep writing!! Cheers
Hi! I appreciate your response. What do you mean by aware? Aware of what, exactly? Do you mean that 99% of men intentionally and consciously manipulate people, particularly women, in such a malevolent way? Correct me if I am wrong. I would love to hear more about what you think.
I mean most men even under the influence are consciously choosing their actions (they may pretend ignorance). Manipulation is non-stop everywhere, everyone trying to play their hand, definitely there will be manipulation, men are more competitive and competent in this atleast where I live. So, it may not be necessarily malevolent but manipulation is constantly there.
I love this . I’m a cis gen man, recovering “nice” guy, finding the compassionate, kind wild animal and appreciator of feminine radiance and being authentic as possible.
i love this piece !!! it’s so important to call out and recognize men like this !! there’s so many of them now. too many women fall victim too it and blame themselves for something that was never their fault. thank you for this 🫶
Wow I love this so much!!! An ex partner of mine was the literal embodiment of this piece. With my previous dating experience always being men who unapologetically wore their misogyny on their sleeve, he was such a breath of fresh air...until he wasn't. I felt so completely blindsided and realised how I had fallen for such blatant performative feminism. Loved this 🫶🏻
"But even the smartest, wisest women can be fooled by a well-lit stage and perfectly rehearsed script" - I mean what a line you have written, it reflects your understanding on this topic. Kudos!!
Level 1: insecure, piloted by the need to conform and project conformity for belonging, not thoughtful, a fuckboy
Level 2: I don't want to be associated with fuckboys, I'm gonna be more empathetic and thoughtful (good intentions or bad)
Level 3: I must distance myself from the softboy, I will be careful to show not tell, I will project well-adjusted manliness by adopting healthy masculinity elements while ...
Level 4:...
Every step is based on the awareness of preceding steps + the contrarian impulse to distance oneself.
Or, one could simply extricate themselves from the countersignaling spiral and make an attempt at sublating all other frames by integrating all the pros and cons of all other positions.
Normal well-integrated guy: I was born a weak child, I was forced to move from Naive to Cynical but didn't stop there and moved on to Brave, where I endeavor to live sincerity and vulnerability, where I give myself permission to make mistakes as long as I backpedal when I shouldn't double down.
I see this everywhere from politics to fashion to social norms to dating discourse, friendship discourse...
Most people successfully identify that the current position is bad, so they adopt the contrarian anti-thesis, only to adopt that new thesis' anti-thesis, so on and so forth.
But if your idea starts and stops at contrarianism, without a more holistic approach, the lack of nuance prevents any worthwhile integration.
this is a wonderfully crafted piece and I’ve felt this before and I am sorry to all the women who have had to deal with this too. I was talking with a guy a couple weeks ago on this topic as the conversation digressed. I was explaining how the “nice guy” and ultra-feminist man trope is common and how it’s basically a manipulation tactic to get with women and it’s sick. him, being a man, responded quite defensively by saying that most men are actually genuine which I was absolutely gagged at. he went on to explain how it’s a “loud minority” of men that are the problem that ruin their reputation and most of them are actually good people. I had to then explain the way that the patriarchy is set up, how it enables and even rewards men for acting they way they do, and how it is truly ineffable to be a women living in it. this was a concept he truly could not comprehend. this interaction made me step back see how guys view and go through the world. absolutely insane. he doesn’t know that it is a every single man that willingly or unknowingly falls under the control of the system and allows them to be that way. even the little things. that guy and I had been talking for a long while before this and I was thinking about it how he did seem definitely like one of the better guys that I had interacted with but he went on to do some weird things that make him part of that “loud minority”. I pity myself for falling for this every goddamn time.
I just started using this app, and I’m so glad I finally found a radfem essay. I loved it, and you’re absolutely right - there are no male feminists, it’s all a performative act. They always use it to mansplain feminism to women and try to get in their pants, never to educate or stand up to other men. It’s scary to think they’re all like that, but that’s why it’s so important to decentralize men from your life and nurture female friendships.
I couldn’t tell you how this man really feels about feminism or women. But getting drunk, and then essentially forcing yourself into your girlfriend‘s space, regardless of intention, shows really bad judgment. Could be something he’ll grow out of, or he could remain blissfully unaware of his immaturity.
Then again, this guy doesn’t exactly sound like the BTK killer. Hopefully he learned something from the interaction.
dated a performative feminist… the facade was shattered when I realized how he treated other women around me. Only 👏respecting 👏women 👏you’re 👏attracted to 👏isn’t 👏respecting 👏women 👏
If I encounter one more man ‘reading’ the bell jar or normal people while drinking a matcha and listening to Clairo I think I’m gonna crash out, loved this piece though encapsulated all the anger and disappointment in performative feminism
The last line? Absolute banger
such a good and real piece! they're all around us, i hate how we are deemed paranoid and brainwashed because we don't want to believe them
The manipulation is blatant, but this behavior may be unintentionally malevolent. Obviously, I don’t know this man nor the full details of what you went through, so this response may be completely off the mark. But allow me to share a potentially valid perspective.
Women choose the sexual selection, and men will adapt—and have always adapted—to display traits that will be selected by the fairer sex. Some men may do this with conscious, disingenuous intentions. But I would guess that the vast majority of men unconsciously adopt such behaviors.
It is the same thing when you find yourself mirroring the person you’re engaged in conversation with. You find yourself portraying the same body language, and even speaking with a similar tone and pace of voice as this person. This can be done to intentionally manipulate but it is also a natural social mechanism.
I do not write this to defend this man nor chastise the validity of your perspective; rather, I am attempting to explain the ignorant nature of man. There are much more stupid, well-intended men than there are manipulative, evil men; and I hope women realize this.
This is not a call for women to openly trust every man they meet. Honestly, I’m not exactly sure what I am calling for, nor why I feel inclined to respond to this. Perhaps I am stuck in my own manly ignorance at this very moment—aka mansplaining.
However, I’ll end my response with this: in a chaotic, unpredictable world, we have to surrender to the things we cannot control, and that includes the behavior of others. I believe there is more good than evil in this world, and we should all attempt to see the good in others despite the risk of running into evil.
Always assume ignorance and/or incompetence over malevolence. But don’t exercise such a perspective naively, but with courage. Open yourself up to others and faithfully attempt to properly discern.
I appreciate you posting about this! Please let me know what you think of my response if you’re willing. Keep writing!! Cheers
Nope, as a man I confirm 99% of us are totally aware, 1% might be really ignorant and the 99% aware behave like they are ignorant.
Hi! I appreciate your response. What do you mean by aware? Aware of what, exactly? Do you mean that 99% of men intentionally and consciously manipulate people, particularly women, in such a malevolent way? Correct me if I am wrong. I would love to hear more about what you think.
I mean most men even under the influence are consciously choosing their actions (they may pretend ignorance). Manipulation is non-stop everywhere, everyone trying to play their hand, definitely there will be manipulation, men are more competitive and competent in this atleast where I live. So, it may not be necessarily malevolent but manipulation is constantly there.
how can they find so many ways to feign interest and be a fake man rather than just be a good person fathoms me...
I love this . I’m a cis gen man, recovering “nice” guy, finding the compassionate, kind wild animal and appreciator of feminine radiance and being authentic as possible.
?
Does that line work for you?
I absolutely love this piece!!
i love this piece !!! it’s so important to call out and recognize men like this !! there’s so many of them now. too many women fall victim too it and blame themselves for something that was never their fault. thank you for this 🫶
Wow I love this so much!!! An ex partner of mine was the literal embodiment of this piece. With my previous dating experience always being men who unapologetically wore their misogyny on their sleeve, he was such a breath of fresh air...until he wasn't. I felt so completely blindsided and realised how I had fallen for such blatant performative feminism. Loved this 🫶🏻
"But even the smartest, wisest women can be fooled by a well-lit stage and perfectly rehearsed script" - I mean what a line you have written, it reflects your understanding on this topic. Kudos!!
Countersignaling cycles!
Level 1: insecure, piloted by the need to conform and project conformity for belonging, not thoughtful, a fuckboy
Level 2: I don't want to be associated with fuckboys, I'm gonna be more empathetic and thoughtful (good intentions or bad)
Level 3: I must distance myself from the softboy, I will be careful to show not tell, I will project well-adjusted manliness by adopting healthy masculinity elements while ...
Level 4:...
Every step is based on the awareness of preceding steps + the contrarian impulse to distance oneself.
Or, one could simply extricate themselves from the countersignaling spiral and make an attempt at sublating all other frames by integrating all the pros and cons of all other positions.
Normal well-integrated guy: I was born a weak child, I was forced to move from Naive to Cynical but didn't stop there and moved on to Brave, where I endeavor to live sincerity and vulnerability, where I give myself permission to make mistakes as long as I backpedal when I shouldn't double down.
I see this everywhere from politics to fashion to social norms to dating discourse, friendship discourse...
Most people successfully identify that the current position is bad, so they adopt the contrarian anti-thesis, only to adopt that new thesis' anti-thesis, so on and so forth.
But if your idea starts and stops at contrarianism, without a more holistic approach, the lack of nuance prevents any worthwhile integration.
this is a wonderfully crafted piece and I’ve felt this before and I am sorry to all the women who have had to deal with this too. I was talking with a guy a couple weeks ago on this topic as the conversation digressed. I was explaining how the “nice guy” and ultra-feminist man trope is common and how it’s basically a manipulation tactic to get with women and it’s sick. him, being a man, responded quite defensively by saying that most men are actually genuine which I was absolutely gagged at. he went on to explain how it’s a “loud minority” of men that are the problem that ruin their reputation and most of them are actually good people. I had to then explain the way that the patriarchy is set up, how it enables and even rewards men for acting they way they do, and how it is truly ineffable to be a women living in it. this was a concept he truly could not comprehend. this interaction made me step back see how guys view and go through the world. absolutely insane. he doesn’t know that it is a every single man that willingly or unknowingly falls under the control of the system and allows them to be that way. even the little things. that guy and I had been talking for a long while before this and I was thinking about it how he did seem definitely like one of the better guys that I had interacted with but he went on to do some weird things that make him part of that “loud minority”. I pity myself for falling for this every goddamn time.
I just started using this app, and I’m so glad I finally found a radfem essay. I loved it, and you’re absolutely right - there are no male feminists, it’s all a performative act. They always use it to mansplain feminism to women and try to get in their pants, never to educate or stand up to other men. It’s scary to think they’re all like that, but that’s why it’s so important to decentralize men from your life and nurture female friendships.
I really don't have an original experience? dang it
I couldn’t tell you how this man really feels about feminism or women. But getting drunk, and then essentially forcing yourself into your girlfriend‘s space, regardless of intention, shows really bad judgment. Could be something he’ll grow out of, or he could remain blissfully unaware of his immaturity.
Then again, this guy doesn’t exactly sound like the BTK killer. Hopefully he learned something from the interaction.