I totally understand this and thank you for putting it out there. I often find myself struggling with the same issues. I think it is the way dating conditions you. If you haven't been lucky enought to find a fitting partner early on, you learn how to play the dating game 'skillfully'. But this means that you often lose your spontaneity in the process of trying to attract the person you like.
I just read this after having a conversation with someone about the very theme of this essay, and it really hit home. I can’t always walk on eggshells. I want to be sensitive, but that doesn’t mean silencing myself.
There’s a balance between honesty and care—and it ultimately comes down to knowing and understanding each other’s intentions. Until that trust is built, I tend to hold back or worry I’ll be misunderstood.
Thank you for sharing this. It brought a sense of peace and validation right when I needed it.
lovveeeee you've put so many things I've been thinking about recently into words. I feel like so much of online discourse about dating is centered around the belief that to care deeply about someone (especially as a woman!) is to lose all your power. Care less, if he wanted to he would, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, blah blah blah. We act like dancing in a waltz of pretense and apprehension will ensure we never get hurt, but that's so fucking hollow. Imagine if Dolly Parton sang, "Jolene, take my man. If he doesn't want me, I don't want him." Sure, maybe its "healthy" or whatever, but it makes for a really boring song. I don't know how we've convinced ourselves that its possible to obtain one of life's greatest pleasures (love) without risking anything (looking foolish, getting ghosted), but I don't buy it.
This speaks to my soul, I’ve always been hoping to be “chosen” in my woundedness, but the difference is, even though I can be very curated when trying to form a new connection, I also straddle to the opposite side of sharing too much of myself, being “too” authentically too quickly, pushing people away by projecting a lack of self worth I had carefully rationalized as showcasing my Strength and nuance. Rejecting societal conditioning that I should withhold when it felt much better to just stay uninhibited in my expression, almost always to my detriment. I truly believe what you say here, and still the potential of expansion, novelty, generative experience, and spice of life calls me to cast a much wider net in my attempts for new connections, blurring my boundaries. I just wanted to share where I’m at with my journey in the hopes of being seen, and appreciate how deeply resonant this piece is. The right person won’t ask for any changes to our blueprint, and likewise me to them. The fire burns bright ❤️🔥
Am the same as you. Often too forceful, too much, too soon. Almost always, but not always, to my detriment. Bugger convention. You just keep burning bright.
Yes I can relate. Sounds like you'd enjoy reading the book "Attached." It's all about attachment styles. Some of the thoughts you shared are descriptive of the Anxiously Attached. I am boldly raising my hand as one and im working on it. Thanks for a great piece!
I really loved reading this, I've been getting back into dating and i keep saying this over and over again. I think there's sometimes reluctance to show vulnerability or intentionality but we can be kind and move with grace. Being anxious is so normal when dating feels transactional most of the time. Will def be reading more! <3
It's scary sometimes to be unapologetically yourself - but it's the only way, really. We owe it to ourselves, even if it costs us connecting with someone out there. Thank you so much for writing about it so beautifully.
Well…One can totally say the wrong thing to someone. Is important to think before we speak. Always and everywhere.
Reaching comfort or romantic levels with another person doesn’t mean you are now somehow exempt from saying the wrong thing and not expecting any reaction back?
No one and nothing is self justifiable.
There is no one to impress nor is the a spotlight on you everywhere you go.
The sooner folks realize this. The sooner they understand the power they have by just allowing yourself to be free from habits of wanting to mold an ideal image towards how “others perceive the idealize version we have in our heads”
Genuine Love and connection is selfless. Meaning 100% about the OTHER person and HOW that person deserves to be treated or loved. Not the IDEA of how being in love or connected to someone makes YOU feel. Now if the energy and actions you give is NOT being reciprocated well that’s a different conversation.
“Never yours to begin with”
No one is property. No one belongs to anyone. This possessive attitude towards another human and a relationship is one worth dismantling sooner than later.
It's hard to relearn how to put yourself out there after slowly erasing yourself for years and years without realizing it. And that moment of realization that you've lost yourself is a tough one. I remember having that moment and how uncomfortable I felt in my body for the years to come, where I eventually re-harnessed my personality. It felt like it took a lifetime, and the feeling still lives in the back of my mind. Surrounding yourself with the right people who appreciate and value you no matter what is the most meaningful form of love.
I really enjoyed this one. I think we all feel this way from time to time, or for some of us, all the time. But seeing it in someone else's words makes such a difference. I've certainly had periods feeling the exact same along the way. I eventually did find the my person, after many years spent in fear of the wrong one, and without much effort or worry I can now say anything without any fear of judgement or negative reaction. Hopefully living life just as you are without needing to tweak every aspect to limit other's reactions will open you up to meeting your person or at the very least allow you to be authentically you. Thanks for sharing :)
YES!!!!!!!!!! this is too too true. i've been delving back into dating after a break up and have been discouraged and ashamed of how quickly i can fall into the constantly checking my phone if they messaged me or letting myself think "if i was cooler/prettier i wouldn't have gotten ghosted..." but it's just NOT THAT SERIOUS!!!! the right person will get us and we don't want what doesn't want us back!!!! <333 i loved this piece sooooo much :)
I totally understand this and thank you for putting it out there. I often find myself struggling with the same issues. I think it is the way dating conditions you. If you haven't been lucky enought to find a fitting partner early on, you learn how to play the dating game 'skillfully'. But this means that you often lose your spontaneity in the process of trying to attract the person you like.
Hi
I just read this after having a conversation with someone about the very theme of this essay, and it really hit home. I can’t always walk on eggshells. I want to be sensitive, but that doesn’t mean silencing myself.
There’s a balance between honesty and care—and it ultimately comes down to knowing and understanding each other’s intentions. Until that trust is built, I tend to hold back or worry I’ll be misunderstood.
Thank you for sharing this. It brought a sense of peace and validation right when I needed it.
lovveeeee you've put so many things I've been thinking about recently into words. I feel like so much of online discourse about dating is centered around the belief that to care deeply about someone (especially as a woman!) is to lose all your power. Care less, if he wanted to he would, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, blah blah blah. We act like dancing in a waltz of pretense and apprehension will ensure we never get hurt, but that's so fucking hollow. Imagine if Dolly Parton sang, "Jolene, take my man. If he doesn't want me, I don't want him." Sure, maybe its "healthy" or whatever, but it makes for a really boring song. I don't know how we've convinced ourselves that its possible to obtain one of life's greatest pleasures (love) without risking anything (looking foolish, getting ghosted), but I don't buy it.
perfect timing for this one, i’ve been feeling the same lately… thank you for putting into words and sharing 🤍
This speaks to my soul, I’ve always been hoping to be “chosen” in my woundedness, but the difference is, even though I can be very curated when trying to form a new connection, I also straddle to the opposite side of sharing too much of myself, being “too” authentically too quickly, pushing people away by projecting a lack of self worth I had carefully rationalized as showcasing my Strength and nuance. Rejecting societal conditioning that I should withhold when it felt much better to just stay uninhibited in my expression, almost always to my detriment. I truly believe what you say here, and still the potential of expansion, novelty, generative experience, and spice of life calls me to cast a much wider net in my attempts for new connections, blurring my boundaries. I just wanted to share where I’m at with my journey in the hopes of being seen, and appreciate how deeply resonant this piece is. The right person won’t ask for any changes to our blueprint, and likewise me to them. The fire burns bright ❤️🔥
Am the same as you. Often too forceful, too much, too soon. Almost always, but not always, to my detriment. Bugger convention. You just keep burning bright.
I wished all girls I texted with could discover this notion earlier.
But its pity I don't live in States to date you, sorry.
"So now, I’ve decided I’d rather be misunderstood than misrepresented." YEASSSSSSSS YOU GO GIRRL
Yes I can relate. Sounds like you'd enjoy reading the book "Attached." It's all about attachment styles. Some of the thoughts you shared are descriptive of the Anxiously Attached. I am boldly raising my hand as one and im working on it. Thanks for a great piece!
Wow!!! It's like you just entered my head and articulated every one of my most intimate thoughts and at times projected fears
I really loved reading this, I've been getting back into dating and i keep saying this over and over again. I think there's sometimes reluctance to show vulnerability or intentionality but we can be kind and move with grace. Being anxious is so normal when dating feels transactional most of the time. Will def be reading more! <3
It's scary sometimes to be unapologetically yourself - but it's the only way, really. We owe it to ourselves, even if it costs us connecting with someone out there. Thank you so much for writing about it so beautifully.
Well…One can totally say the wrong thing to someone. Is important to think before we speak. Always and everywhere.
Reaching comfort or romantic levels with another person doesn’t mean you are now somehow exempt from saying the wrong thing and not expecting any reaction back?
No one and nothing is self justifiable.
There is no one to impress nor is the a spotlight on you everywhere you go.
The sooner folks realize this. The sooner they understand the power they have by just allowing yourself to be free from habits of wanting to mold an ideal image towards how “others perceive the idealize version we have in our heads”
Genuine Love and connection is selfless. Meaning 100% about the OTHER person and HOW that person deserves to be treated or loved. Not the IDEA of how being in love or connected to someone makes YOU feel. Now if the energy and actions you give is NOT being reciprocated well that’s a different conversation.
“Never yours to begin with”
No one is property. No one belongs to anyone. This possessive attitude towards another human and a relationship is one worth dismantling sooner than later.
It's hard to relearn how to put yourself out there after slowly erasing yourself for years and years without realizing it. And that moment of realization that you've lost yourself is a tough one. I remember having that moment and how uncomfortable I felt in my body for the years to come, where I eventually re-harnessed my personality. It felt like it took a lifetime, and the feeling still lives in the back of my mind. Surrounding yourself with the right people who appreciate and value you no matter what is the most meaningful form of love.
I really enjoyed this one. I think we all feel this way from time to time, or for some of us, all the time. But seeing it in someone else's words makes such a difference. I've certainly had periods feeling the exact same along the way. I eventually did find the my person, after many years spent in fear of the wrong one, and without much effort or worry I can now say anything without any fear of judgement or negative reaction. Hopefully living life just as you are without needing to tweak every aspect to limit other's reactions will open you up to meeting your person or at the very least allow you to be authentically you. Thanks for sharing :)
YES!!!!!!!!!! this is too too true. i've been delving back into dating after a break up and have been discouraged and ashamed of how quickly i can fall into the constantly checking my phone if they messaged me or letting myself think "if i was cooler/prettier i wouldn't have gotten ghosted..." but it's just NOT THAT SERIOUS!!!! the right person will get us and we don't want what doesn't want us back!!!! <333 i loved this piece sooooo much :)
Beautiful piece!!